I'm feeling distratcted today by things that piss me off.
I mean, I'm generally a very happy person, but today, I'm pissed off about a variety of things. If it's going to put you in a bad mood to hear about my bad mood, then don't read this one. Otherwise, putting YOU in a bad mood will have to be added to the post I write tomorrow, which will be no doubt something like, "Ten reasons I feel really bad that I was such a bitch yesterday."
But if you're still with me, here goes...
1. American Idol Auditions. Really? Do we have to televise the humilation of people who already clearly have self-esteem issues to begin with? And I can't help but feel guilty because I hold auditions all the time, and try to be gentle with people. Gentle. Not rah-rah, you-should-be-famous-just-because-you-wanna-be, but gentle as in, "What you're doing is hard. You have a dream, and you're entitled to that. I honor the fact that you're willing to get up and declare it to the world....even if you suck." I had auditions for my middle school show last week, and my goodness...most of them are pretty awful, poor things. But do they deserve to be snickered at and disparaged on national television? No. No, they do not.
2. My messy car. There is a jar of gravy under the passenger seat that keeps rolling under Abby's feet. Every day. For, like, four weeks. Will she bend down and pick it up? Hell no. Will I? No. No I will not. It's too freaking cold outside and that would require extra time.
3. Speaking of cold, I did a crappy job shoveling the Vacation House stairs and driveway when it snowed last time, and now it's all just covered with ice. I nearly broke my neck like six times carrying in all the groceries yesterday.
4. And speaking of groceries, I hate grocery shopping. Hate it. And I hate the parents who feel that it's appropriate to hold a conference with their child's sixth grade teacher in front of their child in the cat food aisle. When I have tampons in my cart. I hate those people.
5. My real estate broker keeps pocket-dialing Patrick, making me think that she has news for us. She never does, and it's just an accident. She did it on Christmas Eve, stimulating my whole Santa-brings-magic, "Home for the Holidays" fantasies. Bad form. I'm mad at her.
6. Why must kids complain that they didn't get a "big part" in the high school play? If this were a 8-character Neil Simon or something like every other high school play, you'd be sitting on your ass in your living room with nothing to do all winter. Isn't this better than nothing?
7. I feel unreasonably bad for Conan O'Brien, and murderously angry at Jay Leno. Hang it up, Jay. Your time is done. And I don't even watch Late Night TV. Makes me upset anyhow.
8. My school, like most others, has occasional "lock down drills" where we have to lock the doors and shut the light and basically hide in the corner of the classroom in total silence. The idea is that if a crazy breaks in with gun or something, he's not supposed to know which classes are occupied, and which are not. Instant ghost town. Each room has a "safe zone" where the children can't be seen from the glass window on the door if they all huddle together on the floor. Mine is under the cabinets, under the computer desks. On the cabinet, someone has taped up a HUGE "Safe Spot" sign, laminated on bright pink paper...with a giant HAPPY FACE on it. Seriously? That's what you come up with? A happy face? I periodically throw balled-up sheets of paper in that direction but it hasn't made me feel better yet.
9. I still have to finish Act Two.
10. Number ten is full of all of the too-personal stuff that I don't write about here. The little things that people do that irritate me and hurt my feelings and make me want to just whip out my credit card and take off to Disneyworld all by myself.
Little Mary Sunshine I am not. No matter what you might have heard to the contrary.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Chill, Already.
I subscribe to this website called TUT, and every day, it sends me a Note from the Universe. In my head, this Note from the Universe has the voice of Dan Ackroyd, and a snarky sense of humor. The Universe says things like, "Thank you, Kelly, for every time you've ever fallen in love. It has made all the difference. And I should know, 'cause I've been hanging copies of your love notes on my walls. Keep on rockin' it. Love and Kisses, The Universe." The Universe uses modern slang, and when I subscribed, it asked me to choose two goals. At the time, I chose to write a book and to visit Europe, so from time to time, the Universe says things like, "What you ate for breakfast this morning was just one more step toward that trip to Europe. The angels have been gossipping about that around the watercooler."
Now, any of my friends who have endured my waxing psychic at them at parties are sighing and shaking their heads right now. "Really? A note from the Universe? I'm sure everyone gets the same one!" But the truth is, the random note in my inbox is, at the least, a cheerful little reminder that though my relationship with my traditional sense of "God" is frought with questions, my belief in my place in the Universe does not waver. If anything, it continues to get stronger. I don't know what's coming for me, but I do know that somewhere out there, through a combination of faith, my own ass-busting, and whatever magic keeps the sparkle coming, the life I am living continues to improve.
I started this blog last spring as an experiment. I decided to open the pages of my journal out into the void and see what would come of it. I didn't do it to try to get "discovered" or to win anyone's heart or to try to teach anyone anything. I did it because I wanted to be a writer. To be a writer, one has to write. And eventually, if it's to mean anything, one has to write more than spiral notebooks locked in a trunk in the garage. You have to write something that someone reads, even if it's only 22 people, most of whom already have to love me because they are my friends.
So, I've gone from that to here...where I'm mid-stream writing a play that real live people are going to perform. A play that hopefully says something about love and trust and friendship and putting your spirit out there through writing, and what might come of it if you do. I don't know what will come of this for me, though I've gotten myself a little caught up lately in seeing it as more than just it is - a high school play - and instead envisioning it as a vehicle - a way to get a full time job at this high school, a way to get published, maybe, a way to put my name on a thing that's at least somewhat original. But today, in my inbox, the Universe told me this:
"The BIG THING, Kelly, rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn't even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee. So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they're going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.
Won't be long,
The Universe"
(Did you hear Dan Ackroyd in there? No? Just me?)
And as I often do when I read my morning message, I thought...yeah. I hear you. And I sure do know that you hear me. I am going to take the Universe's advice and just chill. If the BIG THING that is coming is no more than more nights of chattering into this blog with American Idol in the background or more high school plays where 50+ kids get to be a part of something somewhat meaningful instead of getting stuck with a winter of boredom or more experience in using journaling to talk myself down from my temper tantrum spirals...well, that's worth doing. And I'll keep on doing my part by envisioning Big Things, and maintaining my own sense of expectation that something is stirring, shifting ground...it's just begun. Edges are blurring all around and yesterday is done. Yes, Stephen Sondheim, we are the movers and shapers of which you foretold. Worlds to change and worlds to win.
But, if we're going to dream BIG...I want to win a Newbery Medal, I want to have a wall full of bookshelves in my new office, I want to go to Disneyworld again, I want to lose thirty pounds, and I still want that trip to Europe.
One post at a time, I think. Somehow this is all part of getting me there.
Now, any of my friends who have endured my waxing psychic at them at parties are sighing and shaking their heads right now. "Really? A note from the Universe? I'm sure everyone gets the same one!" But the truth is, the random note in my inbox is, at the least, a cheerful little reminder that though my relationship with my traditional sense of "God" is frought with questions, my belief in my place in the Universe does not waver. If anything, it continues to get stronger. I don't know what's coming for me, but I do know that somewhere out there, through a combination of faith, my own ass-busting, and whatever magic keeps the sparkle coming, the life I am living continues to improve.
I started this blog last spring as an experiment. I decided to open the pages of my journal out into the void and see what would come of it. I didn't do it to try to get "discovered" or to win anyone's heart or to try to teach anyone anything. I did it because I wanted to be a writer. To be a writer, one has to write. And eventually, if it's to mean anything, one has to write more than spiral notebooks locked in a trunk in the garage. You have to write something that someone reads, even if it's only 22 people, most of whom already have to love me because they are my friends.
So, I've gone from that to here...where I'm mid-stream writing a play that real live people are going to perform. A play that hopefully says something about love and trust and friendship and putting your spirit out there through writing, and what might come of it if you do. I don't know what will come of this for me, though I've gotten myself a little caught up lately in seeing it as more than just it is - a high school play - and instead envisioning it as a vehicle - a way to get a full time job at this high school, a way to get published, maybe, a way to put my name on a thing that's at least somewhat original. But today, in my inbox, the Universe told me this:
"The BIG THING, Kelly, rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn't even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee. So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they're going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.
Won't be long,
The Universe"
(Did you hear Dan Ackroyd in there? No? Just me?)
And as I often do when I read my morning message, I thought...yeah. I hear you. And I sure do know that you hear me. I am going to take the Universe's advice and just chill. If the BIG THING that is coming is no more than more nights of chattering into this blog with American Idol in the background or more high school plays where 50+ kids get to be a part of something somewhat meaningful instead of getting stuck with a winter of boredom or more experience in using journaling to talk myself down from my temper tantrum spirals...well, that's worth doing. And I'll keep on doing my part by envisioning Big Things, and maintaining my own sense of expectation that something is stirring, shifting ground...it's just begun. Edges are blurring all around and yesterday is done. Yes, Stephen Sondheim, we are the movers and shapers of which you foretold. Worlds to change and worlds to win.
But, if we're going to dream BIG...I want to win a Newbery Medal, I want to have a wall full of bookshelves in my new office, I want to go to Disneyworld again, I want to lose thirty pounds, and I still want that trip to Europe.
One post at a time, I think. Somehow this is all part of getting me there.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Dear Sixth Grade Boy, Again.
Idaho.
Yes, I said it. I da ho.
Done snickering?
Back to work, then.
Sincerely,
You're Totally-Over-It Teacher
Yes, I said it. I da ho.
Done snickering?
Back to work, then.
Sincerely,
You're Totally-Over-It Teacher
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dear Sixth Grade Boy
Again, with the farts? I beg you, guys...move on. And if you're the dealer...my bathroom policy is so incredibly liberal. Just go when you need to go, and sign out on the chart. No questions asked. You're old enough now to recognize when you feel one coming on. Take a walk, please. Please please please.
And, incidentally, I am deeply sorry that Lois Lowry put the verb "fingering" into The Giver when talking about the new name badges. I, too, wish that she had thought ahead and envisioned how that might land in your twelve-year-old minds. But I tried to read past it really quickly. I know...you might have recovered if the word "throng" hadn't followed in the next paragraph, but I assure you, it means "crowd." Honestly.
Sixth Grade Boys, we're all so glad it's Friday.
Sincerely,
Your Slightly Exasperated Teacher
And, incidentally, I am deeply sorry that Lois Lowry put the verb "fingering" into The Giver when talking about the new name badges. I, too, wish that she had thought ahead and envisioned how that might land in your twelve-year-old minds. But I tried to read past it really quickly. I know...you might have recovered if the word "throng" hadn't followed in the next paragraph, but I assure you, it means "crowd." Honestly.
Sixth Grade Boys, we're all so glad it's Friday.
Sincerely,
Your Slightly Exasperated Teacher
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Envisioning
The play is pretty much cast, and I'm very pleased. There will be the ones I've disappointed, of course, which I hate hate hate, but I feel strongly that I got the group that I needed to bring this thing to life. The lead boy was definitely an upset and doesn't resemble the part as I had created/envisioned it, but that's part of how I know I got it right. When a kid makes me see a role in a way I had never imagined, my instinct generally kicks in to try it out. In 15 years of directing, I've very, very rarely been wrong when that's happened.
So, onward. Read through tomorrow. I swear to god if they hate it I will probably cry right smack in front of everyone.
Life is already beginning to settle in to this strange new routine - new house, new coffee shop that is too expensive to go to every day, new shows. Got one positive sign toward our new house at the end of last week, so I'm hoping that things will start to move very soon. I am very busily envisioning the new place, our new place, and trying to use my powers of manifestation to make it so.
'Cause...you know...I totally believe in that stuff. I really do. Santa's gone into retirement for the season, so I've got to do the rest on my own.
So, onward. Read through tomorrow. I swear to god if they hate it I will probably cry right smack in front of everyone.
Life is already beginning to settle in to this strange new routine - new house, new coffee shop that is too expensive to go to every day, new shows. Got one positive sign toward our new house at the end of last week, so I'm hoping that things will start to move very soon. I am very busily envisioning the new place, our new place, and trying to use my powers of manifestation to make it so.
'Cause...you know...I totally believe in that stuff. I really do. Santa's gone into retirement for the season, so I've got to do the rest on my own.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Full Tilt Ahead
"You've Got Mail" has been playing in a pretty much continuous loop on cable for a few weeks now. It could either be a positive sign (since my play is based on the play that it's based on, The Shop Around the Corner) or a bad sign that I've copied something better that copied something better that copied something else better and there's nothing original left under the sun for me to write.
The scene that's on right now is my favorite one, where Tom Hanks brings Meg Ryan daisies in an attempt to make friends. My "let's be friends" scene takes place on a stage and features an astronomy bubble, but the concept is the same. It's meant to be the same, because it's an homage to a romantic comedy formula that works.
Audtions are Tuesday, and Act One will be in the hands of sixty people come Thursday. I'm trying not to care too much if they like it, or find it funny or engaging, but it's not like a novel where you can write it and people pick it up or put it down according to their whims. This is somehing that a whole bunch of kids will have to inhabit for two months, and since they're kind people, they'll probably never tell me if they hate it. They'll be well-mannered and polite, and because of that, I might never really know if they really like it or not.
And even just talking about this is such a whiny, ego-driven writer cliche, but it's really how I feel.
My Sunday Night Anxiety problem is starting like six hours too early, but it's been such a whirlwind of a non-vacation and I know that tomorrow will be full tilt ahead. Two months of intensity, and then a little bit of breathing room, which will hopefully coincide perfectly with setting up housekeeping in our new place.
The scene that's on right now is my favorite one, where Tom Hanks brings Meg Ryan daisies in an attempt to make friends. My "let's be friends" scene takes place on a stage and features an astronomy bubble, but the concept is the same. It's meant to be the same, because it's an homage to a romantic comedy formula that works.
Audtions are Tuesday, and Act One will be in the hands of sixty people come Thursday. I'm trying not to care too much if they like it, or find it funny or engaging, but it's not like a novel where you can write it and people pick it up or put it down according to their whims. This is somehing that a whole bunch of kids will have to inhabit for two months, and since they're kind people, they'll probably never tell me if they hate it. They'll be well-mannered and polite, and because of that, I might never really know if they really like it or not.
And even just talking about this is such a whiny, ego-driven writer cliche, but it's really how I feel.
My Sunday Night Anxiety problem is starting like six hours too early, but it's been such a whirlwind of a non-vacation and I know that tomorrow will be full tilt ahead. Two months of intensity, and then a little bit of breathing room, which will hopefully coincide perfectly with setting up housekeeping in our new place.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Enjoying the View
This new house we're renting is someone's summer vacation house, and the result is that it rather feels like being on a vacation. The view of the snow-covered pond out of the living room double sliding glass doors is spectacular, and there's just the right balance of our stuff and their stuff to make it feel both temporary and familiar. The girls think it's the greatest place ever which has helped to keep their spirits up, and I have finally just now sat still after unpacking the last of the boxes that we need in this time of waiting for our house to come to us. Vanilla candles are burning, chocolate chip cookie bars are cooling on the stove, and I'm enjoying a well-deserved glass of wine on this snowy Saturday.
The closing went perfectly on New Year's Eve, and the young couple that bought our sweet house were precisely as I had ordered them up from the Universe - sentimental, kind, enthusiastic, and positively smitten with the charm and possibility of their new House of Dreams. We left them the traditional gift of bread, wine, and salt (thank you, IAWL) which they appreciated, and after a whole bunch of signatures with the still sore arm I had used to scrub the house from top to bottom, it was done. The girls and I got some essentials at Walmart - trash barrels, throw pillows, candles, the DVD of Glee, and then we rang in 2010 with our dearest friends. I even stayed awake until midnight, which was definitely in question when the evening began. Amazing the energy that good company, excellent food, and rolicking karaoke will give even the most tired of souls.
I will say one more thing about moving out of our house...the amount of hard work it turned out to be was so much more than I could ever have expected. Patrick said that it felt like a gaping hole in the center of our house just kept spewing forth more and more stuff for us to pack, haul and store. We filled a dumpster, a storage space, a giant moving Pod, and most of the Saads back garage. And...our house is not that big, either. So. Much. Stuff. But at least we know that everything we brought with us was chosen to be important as we move forward in our life. We are not tethered by anything which no longer serves us.
I intend to set a number of resolutions for 2010, but for now, I will take this day to relax and recoup. Tomorrow, it will be visiting with family and editing my act one script, but today...it's wine, cookies, and Charlie's Angels Two.
Happy New Year to you and yours.
The closing went perfectly on New Year's Eve, and the young couple that bought our sweet house were precisely as I had ordered them up from the Universe - sentimental, kind, enthusiastic, and positively smitten with the charm and possibility of their new House of Dreams. We left them the traditional gift of bread, wine, and salt (thank you, IAWL) which they appreciated, and after a whole bunch of signatures with the still sore arm I had used to scrub the house from top to bottom, it was done. The girls and I got some essentials at Walmart - trash barrels, throw pillows, candles, the DVD of Glee, and then we rang in 2010 with our dearest friends. I even stayed awake until midnight, which was definitely in question when the evening began. Amazing the energy that good company, excellent food, and rolicking karaoke will give even the most tired of souls.
I will say one more thing about moving out of our house...the amount of hard work it turned out to be was so much more than I could ever have expected. Patrick said that it felt like a gaping hole in the center of our house just kept spewing forth more and more stuff for us to pack, haul and store. We filled a dumpster, a storage space, a giant moving Pod, and most of the Saads back garage. And...our house is not that big, either. So. Much. Stuff. But at least we know that everything we brought with us was chosen to be important as we move forward in our life. We are not tethered by anything which no longer serves us.
I intend to set a number of resolutions for 2010, but for now, I will take this day to relax and recoup. Tomorrow, it will be visiting with family and editing my act one script, but today...it's wine, cookies, and Charlie's Angels Two.
Happy New Year to you and yours.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)