Monday, April 4, 2011


Dear Self,

I often feel that I need to leave you post-it notes in prominent locations to remind you of critical bits of information. Here is a collection of these notes to assist you in your daily endeavors:

1.) Don't wear ballet flats in early April. Your classroom is a refridgerator, and your feet become like those little pink lemonade ice-tray popsicles. Only less tasty.

2.) Do not forget to put on your deoderant in the morning. You will, of course, forget far more often than a smart woman should, so if you do, I refer you to the ones you keep hidden in your work tote, your school coat closet, and your glove department. When all else fails, remember that the school nurse keeps some trial sizes on hand for the smelly kids, just in case.

3.) You hate curry, sun-dried tomatoes, pesto, and anything that could be remotely described as smoky. Avoid ordering things with these in restaurants, or you will be unhappy. Really. Quit trying to like them. It's totally okay that you don't.

4.) You think you will eat 12 containers of yogurt this week, but you will not. Stop buying so freaking many!

5.) And on that subject, you really do not need four different jars of cumin, white vinegar, or dry mustard.

6.) Fiber One bars, though delicious and low calorie, make you fart. Do not eat these in school because you cannot keep blaming it on the 6th grade boys.

7.) People can actually see you when you are driving in your car. Refrain from overly acting both sides of musical theatre duets, picking your nose, or using the F-word at scary fellow drivers.

8.) Even if no one sees you eat that chocolate, it still counts. I cannot emphasize this fact more strenuously. Your jeans don't lie. They merely judge you, rightly so.

9.) Wearing a baseball cap to Target or the supermarket on Saturday to cover your unwashed hair does not render you invisible. It is, in fact, an open invitation to the universe for you to run into an ex-boyfriend, or a hot dad of some student in your class. Usually, with tampons in your shopping cart. A little lipstick, dear, as your grandmother would say.

10.)Mental health days are a valid form of personal therapy. And cheaper than spas, pharmaceuticals, and desert hot springs. Screw guilt and enjoy sitting on the couch watching retro movies from time to time.

1 comment:

  1. I wholeheartedly agree with #10. I think all you working Mom need far more days off than you allow yourselves. And my grandmothers would totally agree with #9- they are the reason I won't go get coffee in the morning without at least a little blush and lip gloss. When my Grammy passed away we made a big display of photos and the sign above it had a quote from Hairspray on it: "Don't you let nobody try to spoil your fun cause a little touch of lipstick never hurt no one." Ha.

    Though I disagree with parts of #3 and #7 in that I do wish you liked pesto and that I'm sure other drivers find it very amusing when they see you acting out both sides of a duet. :)