Thursday, October 8, 2009

Just a Moment in the Woods

It's funny how quickly I felt guilty for posting about psychic vampires. I really, really meant it when I wrote that, and then, quick as it takes to hit "publish," I thought, oh...that's not nice. And you are supposed to just be nice. So, I type up song lyrics that are very nice, and also true of me, but only one tiny little shade of the truth of me. And I'm not saying this because I'm so particularly "deep." I think everyone thinks it in their own way. We all think about what we are supposed to be from another person's point of view, and it affects how we behave. We all have parts of ourselves that are reserved for different situations, different kinds of relationships.

And if you're really, super lucky, you meet some people along the way who actually see really significant pieces of you, bunches of them, and like you anyhow. And if you're incredibly, off-the-charts blessed, you actually find a true love...or sometimes a couple of loves in a lifetime...and can show...well, pretty much all of yourself as you know it right then.

But then you change a little, and you see new shades come through. If you are past blessed, but more like angelically annointed, you choose to share your life with someone who grows with you. Who eventually searches his heart and come to the conclusion that he's just all in. Whatever it is...bring it on. He's still going to be here.

I have found myself in this very significant time of change. Very recently, but I sort of know I really saw it coming. It had some false starts, but there's definitely an evolution going on in my life. Anne's "bend in the road," and Emily's "epoch in my life." I do rely on certain vernacular for feelings like this. The little times of enlightenment. I can actually say that when I look back through the important events and epochs of my life, I knew them when they were happening. I called every one. Some of them are dumb, childish. Still true, though. When I turned 16 and met a boy called Fred and invented an entire universe around it. 'Cause it was time. 'Cause there were show tunes for that. And when I fell in love with Chris when I was 17. 'Cause he had been there all along. 'Cause it was meant to be. 'Cause there were showtunes about it. My semester of student teaching. 'Cause it was my destiny. 'Cause I could go on out there and Make a Difference. 'Cause there were definitely show tunes about that.

There were lots of those. Moments of recognition, I mean. Some of them involved love, like those, but others were related to friendship or work or...well, lots of things. Reading a really, really good book. A fabulous dinner and a lobstergasm. You know. Moments.

Whoever you are who might be reading this...and I've discovered that I actually don't know who you are...I hope that you, too, have had some of those moments. Moments where you knew that who you were after was different than the someone you were before. I've had loads. And I hope it doesn't sound like bragging, because I really hope YOU have, too. But I have had loads of those moments, and I carry them in my heart as treaure. And I KNOW there are showtunes about that.

Rambling McTalksalot. I just watched Jim and Pam's wedding and I'm too excited to sleep.

Oh, if life were made of moments, even now and then a bad one!
But if life were made of moments, then you'd never know you had one.


  1. "We all think about what we are supposed to be from another person's point of view, and it affects how we behave."

    "And if you're really, super lucky, you meet some people along the way who actually see really significant pieces of you, bunches of them, and like you anyhow."

    Thanks, Kelly. It's a very timely topic for me, the above quotes in particular. I find that trying to be what I think people want, because I want them to like me, but if I don't allow people to know me, warts and all, then I'm actually making it more difficult for anyone to get close to me. And yet, it has become such a habit, such an addiction, it seems a herculean task to change my behavior.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is this - thanks for blogging about this. It definitely helps me to examine my own life a little more closely, and a little less judgmentally.

  2. Oh, Sean!

    First of all, no one's every quoted me to me before. It made me giggle.

    Secondly, thank you for commenting at all. Comments on blog are like a present. It makes me feel like someone is listening, and makes me excited to say more. Thank you for that inspiration.

    And thirdly, and most importantly, you, my wonderful friend, should try to see yourself as the people who love you see you. I want to give you a pair of my Sean-colored glasses to show you the spiritual, loving, fun-filled, adventurous, magnetic spirit that we see in you. If you could see that, you'd never doubt yourself again.

    I think it's just a battle. It's a conscious choice to allow yourself to be seen. You get to choose, and you get to meter it out to other people in the quantities you choose. Cool, isn't it, to just take the plunge and open up? I have learned to do that with students in one particular way. The fact that it's not ALL of me doesn't make it inauthentic. It's just a different shade of grey.

    You're doing great, Sean. Just keep on growing.

    Love you so much.