Excuse the appearance of my blog. I think I'm molting. It's an ugly time.
I'm going from a winter me into a spring me. It's a little early but I need to move things along, here. I can't control whether my short sale will pass on my house, but gosh-darnit, I can control my own internal weather. I will be redecorating this blog accordingly, but as a card-carrying technophobe, I can't seem to get a new background downloaded. It is so frustrating. I pride myself on the fact that I clean snow off my own car and I pump my own gas and I build things with power tools, but I cannot do the simplest things involving a computer. Except write. I can do that.
So, anyway... little shoots are awaking under the soil and it's time to buy some daffodils.
I made a vision board today. It says just what I wanted it to say. One part dealt with creativity and writing, with roses and poems and song lyrics and empty blank lines waiting to be filled. Another part is for my home and my family, with pictures of all of us happy and the inside and outside of our new house. Another part is about health and eating better and exercising and releasing everything on my body which does not serve me. Namely...well, many pounds. But they are going away.
There's a bit in there about a vacation and clean closets and skinny jeans, but it all just worked. I felt kind of corny about doing it, but was determined anyhow. And I was literally mocked by my ten year old about it at dinner, but I sensed she was just trying out a snarky persona for a minute, and found it not to suit her. I was glad that was so. Shows me that she's got the strong moral compass we've been trying to nourish in her. She retracted her snarkiness with sincerty and all was forgiven. And then on the Olympics, I kept hearing stories of how athletes make vision boards and use the Law of Attraction and Visualize their perfect ski runs/skating routines, whatever. One woman hung a picture of herself winning the gold medal and hung it on her wall...when she was 13. She won the gold today.
I had a little spout about Tiger Woods right here, but I deleted it.
We had an important rehearsal yesterday. I think a lot of things started to feel real to the kids, and it's a step they all need to take on their own. They need the discomfort of being up there on their own, and feeling unsure and vulnerable, to commit to getting the job done. learning their lines and actually acting, for their own sake. To be better beacause they want to. It's all part of the process.
And just now, knowing that, makes me feel sort of amazed that I've been doing this long enough to feel like I know what the hell I'm talking about.
I had a converation with Lisa today about our high school director, and how much he taught me. I learned what I wanted to be, and what I wanted to never, ever be by watching him. I value those lessons, as hard as some of them were to learn. I am better because of them.
I'm excited for our week, excited to see how kids will transform, ignite, and embrace. Sometimes, for like five minutes, I might lose focus on that, but nearly always, I remember. It's for them, and I am just the vehicle. I'm just doing the thing I'm meant to be doing to the best of my ability, and trusting that my needs will be met in the process as well. I learned that in my thirties, I think.
And since I'm all stream of consciousness right now, let me follow this monkey speedboad ride to...my forties. I used to laugh at that line in When Harry Met Sally where she said, "And I'm going to be forty!" Harry: "When?" Sally: "Someday!" Harry: "In EIGHT years!" And I used to do the math and think, "Sheesh! She's thirty two! That's so freaking old." I left that "old" behind some time ago.
I actually think that my forties are going to be the best of me. I feel like I'm just now beginning to get it, to appreciate it all, to be present and mindful and intentional in my life. If I can build that in my next decade to my fullest potential, well... I'll have earned the chance to spend my fifties resting on my creative laurels and drinking margaritas by the pool.
Set building tomorrow, painting and preparing, hanging balcony ivy and roses and affixing Lord of the Rings and Lacrosse posters to bedroom walls of my two main characters. My characters. I made up people. I borrowed pieces of a bunch of people and made a whole new person, for someone to play on the stage. I feel so grateful for the real Claire and the reall Kenny/James and the rest of the Inspirationals for letting me "use" their particular brands of wit. I could never capture the whole of them, but I am so glad that they let me know the pieces of themselves that they did, and that they let me give them a branched out little funky alter-ego/theatrical love-child. I hope they feel that I've done them justice.
See? Another reason why this is all complicated with the personal. And to think I could have been a plumber or a member of the armed forces or printing salesperson, just like on The Office. I totally could have. I might have to still if this whole writing/teaching thing doesn't work out.
I can't figure out where to fit this in, but I would also like to say....theater is a wonderful thing for the reasons listed above. It's different for every person involved in it, serves each person's life in some way, while still creating something with its own integrity and life and weight in the process. And there's room for everyone, because it expands to include.
I don't know how to post pictures well, but tomorrow I will try to post a picture of my vision board. I don't know if you'd be interested in it, but I bought this book about creating vision boards, and I thought that other people's were interesting, so maybe you would be interested in mine. You should totally make one. It's very scissor and glue artsy-crafty, and theraputic.
Tonight on NBC national news, Brian Williams (feel free to take a moment...Brian Williams is AWESOME...) Brian Williams said "We're going to post the Olympic results right now. So, you know the drill...if you don't want to know until prime time, avery your eyes until the music stops. We will be posting them...now...." I thought that was very polite of him. My POINT is that I sometimes feel like I should head my posts - and my journal entries, which are more often now one and the same - with a PSA that says....there's been chardonnay. Enter at your own risk.
Thank you, and goodnight.