Cyclone

There are a lot of reasons I haven't written lately. For one, I've been hibernating. A hermit. I felt the need to shut the world out just a little bit. For just a little while. I journaled during that, so I know I'm alright. I just needed to build a little chrysalis.

For another, since I've been re-emerging all new to the world, butterfly-like, I have been very jangly and sensitive. Squinting in the light, like coming out of the movies at three in the afternoon.

Third, a lot of what's been happening lately has been very personal, and if I couldn't write about that, then I couldn't write about anything, because it would feel too phony.

I learned that. I learned - and was lately reminded - that if I am not in a place of authenticity with myself, then I can't write at all. We all have our fatal flaws; mine is, I think, a tendency to kid myself about things. I decide I can deal with a situation, or choose not to deal with it, or not see the truth of something by convincing my perceptions to bend to my will. I suppose everyone does that, but I do it readily. Eventually, though, the truth will out, and I will figure out how I truly, deeply feel about something, and how I'll do it will be to write my way through it. So, I have done that. I have written myself straight on through to the other side, and I'm very nearly ready to take a step into this new phase. (Nearly ready - one good afternoon with the tribe ought to clinch it, I think.)

This fall will be the beginning of many new things for me. For my family. I know this. It is the middle of a cycle that began when I sold my house last fall. I sold my house, and then I moved my family and tried to take care of them durning a terrible winter of discontent, and I wrote a play. I finished a school year and I got my house of dreams and I went to New York City had an August of Renewal. That Augus was the eye of the storm. Now I have the other side of this cyclone to work through, and I will be Dorothy sitting on her bed, pointing out the window, noticing whatever comes past. And then my house will land, and we'll sing a song about it, I'll get a pair of fabulous new shoes, and another phase of my journey will begin.

I have a lot more to say - about what I learned this summer. I wrote in June about that. I was asked, "What will you learn this summer, Kelly?" And I learned a lot.

For now, though, I am enjoying a chance to reconnect to this. I'm watching the finale of Pillars of the Earth again, and I am tossing out a question. Is there anything out there that will help me to connect to other periods of history the way this novel connected me to the 1200's? I had never been able to conceive of this time without this novel. Shakespeare in Love did it for the 1500's, and reading Gone With the Wind did it for the Civil War. (Not the movie - that felt like the 1930's. I kept picturing the actors climging into their Rolls Royces after their shooting day, fur stoles around their collars.) I have to teach Egypt and Greece and early man, and I have no passion for it. No connection. And I find it hard to do anything in my life without passion.

So, does anyone know any novels or movies that can help me? I need something transporting and inspiring, not for the kids to read, but for me to read to help me bring it to life.

Thanks. See you real soon.