Sunday, February 26, 2012

Back to life, back to sense, back to child, back to husband...

You can't live in the woods.

Post show depression. It's been so long since I have felt this that I forgot it was a thing. It's been ages since I was more excited for a show than I was for its Pajama Done Day, and it's alerted something inside me.

This was the best experience. The absolute best. The process, start to finish, the product, but above all, the feel of it all...the flow of knowing that we were doing well at work worth doing, and that we were making something that would actually impact people - the kids in the cast, their parents who were so incredibly grateful and complimentary, and our little artistic staff, who became true friends and partners through this show.

I've talked about my big secret project, and it's very close to fruition. If it happens, my life is going to utterly change, and it will all be due to this show. This show brought all the certainty I needed to follow this path, and to have the courage I needed to takes patience and fear and despair to change...

I have changed. I know it's just a little show to some people, and that I'm a little bit crazy for how I ramble on about these things. But the fact is, I felt LIT by this. I CHOSE to be lit by this, to make it matter, and whadya know, it totally worked. NEVER underestimate the power of a 4 a.m. vision board. Mine keeps coming true, layer by layer. I have never worked so hard, with so much inspired energy, on any work project in my life.

It's not always like this. I don't WANT it to be always like this, because to tell the truth, I'm very effing tired. But every now and then you have to pour yourself into something, and trust in the journey. You have to let the real stuff of life in, and leave behind things you thought you were, or should be, and decide to become who you really want to be NOW, without apology. That's what I'm doing with eyes wide open, listening hard, and making the Law of Attraction my bitch.

My friends came to see this show, and lots of them sent me supportive messages. My family came, and my mom saw it three times. I felt deeply blessed and loved because of this. I am a part of such an amazing community, never alone. From parents I got tearful thank-yous, from kids exultant emails and texts. A perfect rose, a pendant, a meaningful apology, and a red-hot dis that infuriated and somehow also assured me. My daughters loved every second of being with the most awesome teenagers ever for the seventh year in a row, making my parenting so much easier. I am awash in gratitude for the life I get to live and the people I get to connect with in my life.

Today I did laundry and returned microphones while listening to Barry Manilow and cried a little and took a nap. I made a delicious vegetable soup and watched a show about whales. I typed this while watching the Oscar awards death montage. If I got hit by that proverbial bus tomorrow, I would leave this life knowing that I had lived with purpose and inspiration of my own choosing, and that everyone in my life that matters most would know exactly how I loved and valued them. And that's like, seriously, the best that I can do so now I'm going to bed. I don't actually care who wins best picture. I only saw two of them anyhow, because I had other stuff to do.


  1. The magic of this show is the lines and lyrics never leave your head. Your kids will be quoting " excited and scared " the rest of their lives , meanwhile remembering their sweet director. Their memory of their high school show will be even sweeter than it is tonight. Your job is done , but your work will live on. xxoo Jordie

  2. Thanks so much, Jordie. I know it has lingered for me since I did it in college. This cast was just the most awesome ever, and they really let it into their hearts. I so appreciate all of your support and inspiration...and the fabulous greenery you lent me. I'll be bringing it back up tonight.

  3. You know it's a really good show when the post show depression hits hard and you long for those all day techs. You long to hear "that song" (there's one in every show which holds the magic moment) just one more time. Embrace it. Live in your PJ's for an extra day. It's ok to long for that show. It has become part of your heart. Those are absolutely the best shows.