Monday, September 21, 2009

Pros and Cons - Monday Blues

Cons first, because if I purge them out I’ll have more gratitude space.

Two senior girls told me about how very deeply I had disappointed the, crushed them, and I feel really, really bad about it. Really bad. Like…I should have been a plumber bad.

I forgot Amelia’s Irish Step class clothes. I feel like I’m always the mother who forgets important stuff, like uniforms and dinner. Abby had a bagel for dinner. Aren’t I supposed to be doing something with vegetables??

I was very ineffective at school today. I did not pay the attention that I should, even though I read aloud the climax of Number the Stars and taught about the development of agriculture. Somehow they lost their luster today.

I ate pop tarts and a banana for lunch. I really should not have done that.

I had a very surprising and uncomfortably enlightening experience that reminded me of my age today. Usually, in my brain, I am still twenty-two. Sometimes, an ache in my hip or my knowledge of Barry Manilow lyrics or a moment like today’s come along and remind me that I’m thirty-eight. In When Harry Met Sally, she sobs, “And I’m going to be forty!” Harry: “When?” Sally, sobbing afresh: “Someday!” That’s where I am. I am no spring freaking chicken.

Pros now, and there are more of them, and they are better.

Even though I was too cross with the girls today, I did have a pleasant time with Abby looking at Christmas ornaments at the Hallmark Store and sniffing fragrances at Bath and Bodyworks while Amelia was at dance class. Abby still lets me hold her hand in the mall.

My house inspection is tomorrow and I’m so excited to get to see the new house again. I had to take half a personal day from my job, but it’s totally worth it. It’s really fun to be thinking about that, and I’m very glad to have something that Patrick and I can be enthusiastic about together.

Pam said that at Monday morning meeting last week, they showed a slide show of last year in retrospect. She said there were lots of pictures of all aspects of the school – athletics, academics, arts, everything. There were pictures of both of last year’s shows, and people clapped for them. Then she said they showed a picture of me with my Tree Grows in Brooklyn cast, and people cheered. That made me feel swell, after feeling guilty about hurting some people’s feelings today. I know that some kids are disappointed, but I honestly try to do the best I can, and some people do recognize it.

I got to watch Amelia dance her Irish Step dances, and marvel at how strong and confident she is. She hops through those steps like the music is in her veins, and the fact that she could ever have once been a part of me, yet so completely herself, is awe-inspiring to me.

I came home and Lisa had left this as her Facebook Status: LDL: Laid down tonight w/ each boy & had whispering talks, each so unique. What could be better than being trusted w/these beautiful people? So great when I actually slow down. I thought…damn. That’s my friend. My friends are good parents. I am very lucky. Which led me to the thought that I got the best dad for my kids. My kids are very lucky.

I had a pleasant talk with Patrick on the back porch tonight about various things. I love my back porch, but I am not sad to be leaving it. I hope we find buyers who will appreciate it as much as we do, and I hope that we will create a new Back Porch.

President Clinton is on the Daily Show, and President Obama is coming on Letterman. How I Met Your Mother and the Big Bang Theory both had premiers tonight. I enjoy my shows.

I got a really nice email from a friend today which reminded me that I am very supported in the world. Friends that will offer to help you move are precious and rare.

I’ve got pistachio and chocolate covered toffee from Trader Joe’s in my cabinet.

Yesterday I bought Olive Kittredge, which won the Pulizer Prize last year and is Elizabeth Berg’s new favorite book. I am very excited to read it, especially because suddenly finishing a book like Pillars of the Earth after 1000 pages is a bit like…well, let’s just say it feels somehow empty and anticlimactic somehow. I’m glad to have this new one ready to keep me company.

I am sitting on my couch in my holey UMass sweatshirt, flannel pajama pants, and comfy socks while my family sleeps quietly upstairs. My autumn leaves candle is burning, a kitty is curled up at my feet, and my pillows are waiting for me. I have every reason to feel thankful and blessed, and I do.

See? This is what journaling does. All better now.

1 comment:

  1. I love you soooo much!

    I am so glad you are blogging. It's so fun after all these years to be able to experience your journaling.