I subscribe to this website called TUT, and every day, it sends me a Note from the Universe. In my head, this Note from the Universe has the voice of Dan Ackroyd, and a snarky sense of humor. The Universe says things like, "Thank you, Kelly, for every time you've ever fallen in love. It has made all the difference. And I should know, 'cause I've been hanging copies of your love notes on my walls. Keep on rockin' it. Love and Kisses, The Universe." The Universe uses modern slang, and when I subscribed, it asked me to choose two goals. At the time, I chose to write a book and to visit Europe, so from time to time, the Universe says things like, "What you ate for breakfast this morning was just one more step toward that trip to Europe. The angels have been gossipping about that around the watercooler."
Now, any of my friends who have endured my waxing psychic at them at parties are sighing and shaking their heads right now. "Really? A note from the Universe? I'm sure everyone gets the same one!" But the truth is, the random note in my inbox is, at the least, a cheerful little reminder that though my relationship with my traditional sense of "God" is frought with questions, my belief in my place in the Universe does not waver. If anything, it continues to get stronger. I don't know what's coming for me, but I do know that somewhere out there, through a combination of faith, my own ass-busting, and whatever magic keeps the sparkle coming, the life I am living continues to improve.
I started this blog last spring as an experiment. I decided to open the pages of my journal out into the void and see what would come of it. I didn't do it to try to get "discovered" or to win anyone's heart or to try to teach anyone anything. I did it because I wanted to be a writer. To be a writer, one has to write. And eventually, if it's to mean anything, one has to write more than spiral notebooks locked in a trunk in the garage. You have to write something that someone reads, even if it's only 22 people, most of whom already have to love me because they are my friends.
So, I've gone from that to here...where I'm mid-stream writing a play that real live people are going to perform. A play that hopefully says something about love and trust and friendship and putting your spirit out there through writing, and what might come of it if you do. I don't know what will come of this for me, though I've gotten myself a little caught up lately in seeing it as more than just it is - a high school play - and instead envisioning it as a vehicle - a way to get a full time job at this high school, a way to get published, maybe, a way to put my name on a thing that's at least somewhat original. But today, in my inbox, the Universe told me this:
"The BIG THING, Kelly, rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn't even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee. So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they're going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.
Won't be long,
(Did you hear Dan Ackroyd in there? No? Just me?)
And as I often do when I read my morning message, I thought...yeah. I hear you. And I sure do know that you hear me. I am going to take the Universe's advice and just chill. If the BIG THING that is coming is no more than more nights of chattering into this blog with American Idol in the background or more high school plays where 50+ kids get to be a part of something somewhat meaningful instead of getting stuck with a winter of boredom or more experience in using journaling to talk myself down from my temper tantrum spirals...well, that's worth doing. And I'll keep on doing my part by envisioning Big Things, and maintaining my own sense of expectation that something is stirring, shifting ground...it's just begun. Edges are blurring all around and yesterday is done. Yes, Stephen Sondheim, we are the movers and shapers of which you foretold. Worlds to change and worlds to win.
But, if we're going to dream BIG...I want to win a Newbery Medal, I want to have a wall full of bookshelves in my new office, I want to go to Disneyworld again, I want to lose thirty pounds, and I still want that trip to Europe.
One post at a time, I think. Somehow this is all part of getting me there.