Ten Things That Piss Me Off

I'm feeling distratcted today by things that piss me off.

I mean, I'm generally a very happy person, but today, I'm pissed off about a variety of things. If it's going to put you in a bad mood to hear about my bad mood, then don't read this one. Otherwise, putting YOU in a bad mood will have to be added to the post I write tomorrow, which will be no doubt something like, "Ten reasons I feel really bad that I was such a bitch yesterday."

But if you're still with me, here goes...

1. American Idol Auditions. Really? Do we have to televise the humilation of people who already clearly have self-esteem issues to begin with? And I can't help but feel guilty because I hold auditions all the time, and try to be gentle with people. Gentle. Not rah-rah, you-should-be-famous-just-because-you-wanna-be, but gentle as in, "What you're doing is hard. You have a dream, and you're entitled to that. I honor the fact that you're willing to get up and declare it to the world....even if you suck." I had auditions for my middle school show last week, and my goodness...most of them are pretty awful, poor things. But do they deserve to be snickered at and disparaged on national television? No. No, they do not.

2. My messy car. There is a jar of gravy under the passenger seat that keeps rolling under Abby's feet. Every day. For, like, four weeks. Will she bend down and pick it up? Hell no. Will I? No. No I will not. It's too freaking cold outside and that would require extra time.

3. Speaking of cold, I did a crappy job shoveling the Vacation House stairs and driveway when it snowed last time, and now it's all just covered with ice. I nearly broke my neck like six times carrying in all the groceries yesterday.

4. And speaking of groceries, I hate grocery shopping. Hate it. And I hate the parents who feel that it's appropriate to hold a conference with their child's sixth grade teacher in front of their child in the cat food aisle. When I have tampons in my cart. I hate those people.

5. My real estate broker keeps pocket-dialing Patrick, making me think that she has news for us. She never does, and it's just an accident. She did it on Christmas Eve, stimulating my whole Santa-brings-magic, "Home for the Holidays" fantasies. Bad form. I'm mad at her.

6. Why must kids complain that they didn't get a "big part" in the high school play? If this were a 8-character Neil Simon or something like every other high school play, you'd be sitting on your ass in your living room with nothing to do all winter. Isn't this better than nothing?

7. I feel unreasonably bad for Conan O'Brien, and murderously angry at Jay Leno. Hang it up, Jay. Your time is done. And I don't even watch Late Night TV. Makes me upset anyhow.

8. My school, like most others, has occasional "lock down drills" where we have to lock the doors and shut the light and basically hide in the corner of the classroom in total silence. The idea is that if a crazy breaks in with gun or something, he's not supposed to know which classes are occupied, and which are not. Instant ghost town. Each room has a "safe zone" where the children can't be seen from the glass window on the door if they all huddle together on the floor. Mine is under the cabinets, under the computer desks. On the cabinet, someone has taped up a HUGE "Safe Spot" sign, laminated on bright pink paper...with a giant HAPPY FACE on it. Seriously? That's what you come up with? A happy face? I periodically throw balled-up sheets of paper in that direction but it hasn't made me feel better yet.

9. I still have to finish Act Two.

10. Number ten is full of all of the too-personal stuff that I don't write about here. The little things that people do that irritate me and hurt my feelings and make me want to just whip out my credit card and take off to Disneyworld all by myself.

Little Mary Sunshine I am not. No matter what you might have heard to the contrary.